Sometimes I even long for anguish, for the hurt to really hit deep. Sometimes I let myself hide away from my problems, from the issues I face. Sometimes I put up so many walls around my feelings and make my heart so hard that I feel numb. It can make me feel better for a while, it takes the pain away, I don’t feel it any more, I don’t feel anything any more. Sooner or later something sets my heart to aching, this time it’s Britain’s Got Talent, it’s semi-final week this week, I see people on there who are so excited to get a yes and so completely devastated to get a no. It’s the stupidest thing but this talent show on TV really has set my heart to aching, to longing for joy and hope to fill me. It feels like such a long time since I let myself be that engaged with something, that invested in a dream, a plan, a hope. I used to be on an emotional roller-coaster, I would be up and down constantly because I was really engaged with the things I did. I suppose they call it being a teenager. I wouldn’t want to go back to some of those lows but the highs were pretty amazing. I could let myself feel. I want to get back to that. It’s not that I feel nothing any more but so often I just feel a bit numb, like everything is just more boring than it used to be.
I know the creator of the universe and I know he loves me and I know he has forgiven me. I have an amazing God who came and lived as a man and died, the sinless one made sin for me to wash me clean by the pouring out of the precious blood of Jesus. I know he rose three days later, to conquer death and win an eternity in paradise with him for me. I love the King and the King loves me. These are the truths that soften my heart and help me to feel, that help me to know joy and peace and hope. God has done so much for me, every time I have let my heart get in a mess, every time I have let it get hard I have brought it back to him and he has worked in my heart and in my life, he has softened my heart and shown me the way forward. I’m bringing my heart back to him again and he is faithfully setting to work on cleaning up my mess again. My God is so much more than I could ever deserve, he has done more for me than I could ever thank him for or repay him for or even understand completely. He is everything I could ever need and so much more.
I pray that you would bring your hard hearts to God, let him work in your heart and life to give you a soft compassionate heart that feels the highs and the lows and takes each one to God just the same.
Ps I reckon I’m a bit late to the party on this one but for anyone else who has managed to completely miss such a wonderful woman of God. I recently came across Philippa Hanna for the first time and I reckon everyone should take a listen to her song ‘I am Amazing’ It will encourage you so much that God made you the way you are for a reason and you are amazing.