My dad was the person I trusted more than anyone in the world, the person I relied on more than anyone else. He took his own life.
That has had such an affect on my life, not least of which is the difficulty I have seeing God the way he is described, as the Father. But that is because I look at things the wrong way up. My mind compares the father God to my dad and is scared to trust. Really God is the perfect father and my dad, much as I loved him, was a pale imitation.
This was the message one day this week at Spring Harvest.
I was really tired cause I hadn’t slept well, I went to a seminar in the morning about Father God. I found it really boring, I wasn’t really sure why, what was said was good, I knew that, but I was really bored. In the evening I went to the main meeting and they were still talking on that theme. God spoke to me, he drew close to me and it was like I touched the face of God, the father. He helped me to see where I hadn’t been trusting him like I should because some part of me was always scared that he would leave me like my dad did. My boredom that morning had been a defense because I didn’t want to let myself engage with the message, I didn’t want to admit why I hadn’t been trusting God.
I have been a Christian ten years, you’d think I’d know better but when you’re struggling it’s so much harder to trust that God will lead you though it. When times are good trust really isn’t needed. I love my God and I trust him more than anyone else, I love him more than anyone else. That sort of absolute love and trust is so scary to me because it’s how I felt about my dad, but unlike my dad, God really can live up to that kind of love and that kind of trust.
Thank God for the good dads, but always remember they are just an imitation of the perfect father; God.