Do you ever react a completely different way than you expected?
Yesterday I got my first rejection on my first book, I want to be a writer more than anything so I expected to feel disappointed and I was a bit, but it was mixed with a bonkers reaction I never thought I’d have. I felt more of an author in that moment because for the first time someone in the publishing industry had responded to me, even though it was just to say no.
This thought ties in really well to a discussion I was having the other day. Me and a couple of friends were talking about our families and we decided that the worst feeling wasn’t being really angry at someone in your family or even feeling irreparably hurt by them. The worst feeling is the numb dead feeling you get when you finally just don’t care about them anymore. All the while you’re angry you’re still connected, you still care but at a certain point you just don’t care anymore, you can’t find it within yourself to care whether they live or die. That is not something I ever expected to feel about anyone but it is how I feel about my Dad’s parents. He died fifteen years ago and they stopped treating us like family and now it’s probably been a decade since I’ve even seen them.
I know that is the way life goes sometimes, even with people you were once really close to. I have three best friends I thought I would know forever that I haven’t seen in years, I could sit here and wonder where did I go wrong? but the truth is life happens whether you want it to or not so hold on to God because he won’t give up on you or drift away from you. If your faith is in a good place then great but if you’re angry at God that’s good too, it means you’re still connected to him, you haven’t given up on your faith, you haven’t let life pull you away from him. Be angry at him as long as you need, he understands and he loves you, he doesn’t want you to pretend with him, he wants you, all of you, and he wants you to be honest about who you are and what you need.